Music is a wonderous thing, having the power to induce any emotional state from anger to sorrow, laughter to horror, surprise to that really annoying feeling that you might have left the gas on. Music lets us express ourselves, it can inspire protest, it can even slightly increase the chances of a one night stand - or maybe that's just drink. Anyway...

I like music as much as the next person, provided that next person doesn't work for Apple - they like their music a lot, apparently. But sometimes, I just can't figure out what the heck its all about. These are a few of those occasions, when brave fools (or on occasion geniuses) soldiered on where another might have put an instrumental break.

1. "Making love in the afternoon with Cecilia up in my bedroom, I got up to wash my face..." (Cecilia, Simon and Garfunkel)
This begs the question, what the heck was he doing to this girl that required him to wash his face whilst in the middle of it? Somehow I imagine it either involved body paint...or activities that certainly don't constitute family entertainment. Shame on you Simon - or Garfunkel - we don't mind what you get up to behind closed doors, but bragging about it isn't in the best of taste. Of course, when he returned, she was in bed with a different person (the gender of this person remains unspecified), so I guess he got what was coming to him for being cocky.

2. "I don't want to see a ghost, its a sight that I fear most, I'd rather have a piece of toast" (Life - Des'ree)
No list of iffy lyrics would be complete without at least a nod to Des'ree. A song title that would give the writer limitless possibilities - life consisting of pretty much everything - but that became a random collection of phrases picked mainly because they fit a rhyme scheme.

3. "Then I kiss your eyes" (I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing - Aerosmith)
Who kisses eyes? The idea is kinda creepy, particularly given that previous lines have implied that the person in question is sleeping. Nothing would weird me out more than knowing that while I was asleep, Steve Tyler had broken into my home, mused on my thoughts, and then enveloped my eyes in his unfathomably large mouth.

4. "If I was a sculptor, but then again, no" (Your Song - Elton John)
What does the guy's profession have to do with anything? It doesn't even relate to the rest of the song. He could have considered being anything. Sculptor is boring. What about pirate? Or ninja? Or gone completely creepy and off the wall with "If I were a rapist, but then again, NO!"

5. "Take a sad song and make it better" (Hey Jude - The Beatles)
Surely the sad song was written to be a sad song and trying to turn it into anything other than a sad song is going to be poor satire at best.

As Hey Jude itself is of a moderate level of overall sadness, covering it in the style of George Formby would probably be quite fitting, even if this does constitute a breach of the musical equivalent of the Fourth Wall.

6. "Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm only falling apart" (Total Eclipse of the Heart, Bonnie Tyler)
Now, taken as a piece of soft rock poetry, this is quite clever, playing upon the two possible meanings of the word falling. This is the kind of pun we won't groan at, the kind of pun Wilde might have written, or perhaps laughed at. Unfortunately, the more analytical amongst us might take it at face value, when it becomes a harrowing tale about a new sexually transmitted variant of leprosy. No wonder Bonnie didn't want to turn around.